Warning Sign
Am I Being Abused?
Adult checklist
• Are you cursed, called names or blamed whenever things go wrong?
• Is free time limited to your partner's interests only?
• Are you forbidden to use money or buy anything for yourself?
• Is it impossible to enjoy outside friendships due to jealousy?
• Does your partner have a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality?
• Do you cover or make excuses for your partner's behavior?
• Do you do more than a fair share of the work, paid or unpaid?
• Do you feel you must ask permission to do things?
• Are you sometimes punished for "misbehaving?"
• Did your partner grow up in an abusive family?
• Are you the "butt" of humiliating jokes?
• Is there a scene if you express an opposite opinion?
• Do you live in fear of your loved one?
If you have answered “yes” to:
• 1 to 2 of the above: Take notice, strive together to improve troubled areas.
• 3 to 4 of the above: Seriously examine relationship, seek qualified counseling.
• 5 to 6: Relationship breaking down, abuse is the issue. Marriage counseling may not be appropriate until FEAR ceases.
• 7 to 13: Crisis intervention needed! Seek individual help from a counselor familiar with abuse issues. Joint therapy is not recommended.
Child checklist
• Are you cursed, called names or blamed whenever things go wrong?
• Does someone in your family make fun of you in ways that make you feel bad about yourself?
• Does one of your parents hit the other? Do they hurt each other?
• Does someone in your family often hurt you by accident?
• Do your parents never allow you to have friends over or go to someone else’s house?
• Does someone in your family hurt you and tell you not to tell anyone?
Is my partner or parent abusive?
Use this with discretion. You may not want to present it, but you can use it to add to your own understanding of people who abuse. This is not clinically proven, but it is based on clinical experience with people who abuse and a concept of what constitutes the typical personality of people who abuse. Remember, people who abuse are not psychopaths or sociopaths; they are average, ordinary people. They are the man or the woman next door, the president of the PTA, the head of the youth group, the man who pulls over to help you change your tire, the town doctor or lawyer.
If a person answers “yes” to any three of the following questions, they may be behaving abusively:
• I get frustrated easily.
• I try to stay in control at all times.
• I believe in the sayings: “A man's home is his castle,"”A man's wife is his property,” “Children should be seen and not heard,” or “Children belong to their parents.”
• I enjoy bloody, violent movies.
• I am the extremely jealous type.
• Most things that go wrong in my life are other people's fault.
• I drink heavily and/or use a lot of drugs.
• When I get angry I tend to explode.
• There was violence in my childhood home.
• I feel I must win arguments and often will do anything in order to win.
• I often find myself apologizing, apologizing, apologizing.
Developed by Family Violence Project, San Francisco, California, and STAND!, Concord, California.
